How To Be Yourself Without Being Creepy: IDIOTS… Please Stop This! (How To Improve Social Skills)

How To Be Yourself Without Being Creepy: IDIOTS… Please Stop This! (How To Improve Social Skills)


– This is Julien and I’m
here in Berlin, Germany. And what I want to talk
about in this video here is something that’s really
missing in today’s world, in today’s society, which
is social intelligence. Okay, this is one of the
most important things you can cultivate. It’s a skill. It’s something anyone can cultivate and it will just open so many doors, so many opportunities. It is absolutely insane, okay. How to be aware of different context. How to read people and
ultimately connect with people. Without this, it doesn’t matter
how good intentions you are or how great of a person you are, how great your idea is, all the doors will close. Okay, you must cultivate this. It’s a priority. It’s not a choice. Like, do I wanna learn
social intelligence. You need to learn this. So pay attention. And enjoy. (inspiriting music) (dramatic music) Why are people getting dumber when it comes to social intelligence? Social media. That’s my take. And the fact that less
and less people go outside and interact in the real world. You know, back in my time, there were no cell phones. That’s not true. There were cell phones but (laughs), it was the old cell phones
with the little snake game. But it’s true, back in my time or even when I started going out and interacting with people, there was a lot less going on online. Okay, so say I went home
after my studies, after work, there’d be that urge to
socialize with someone. And instead of just going
on Facebook or Instagram, which didn’t exist at the time either, you’d go out in the real world. And you’d start interacting
with people in the real world. And you would get real world feedback on what’s it like to
interact with someone. Now a days, you can kind
of fulfill that virtually. You know, to the point
where if you’re someone who’s into video games and
this first came to life with games like World of Warcraft, you can literally craft your entire life and virtually fulfill
all your needs online. You have your character. You have a mission. There’s significance. There’s your purpose. You level up. So on and so forth. You socialize, you create
little clans online. And that’s your life. You never have to leave the house. At all, just play World of Warcraft. And you feel a massive
sense of accomplishment. A massive sense of mastery
over World of Warcraft. You fail at a mission. You stick at it. New strategies and after
a while you succeed. You level up, you get the skills. You feel like you’re growing. And all you have to do
is just eat and shit. (audience laughing) That’s
it, you don’t have to go out at all in the real world. And you kind of get conditioned to living in this online world. Now you come out in the real world, and you have no idea of different context, no idea how to read people, which is huge by the way. We always place a bad
label on reading people. Like ew, that’s very manipulative. No. It depends your intentions of course. If you’re reading someone
to try to fuck them over, then fuck you. But you should be able to read people in order to connect with them. If you can’t read them, you
cannot connect with them. And it’ll be very, very
hard to progress in life. A huge part of me being here by the way in the position that I’m now
in, being as modest as I am, is pure social intelligence. For real. That’s like one of the
biggest things I had, moving to LA with nothing going for me. You know. Like it’s crazy, I
actually, think about this. I moved to LA from Switzerland where I’m originally from. Now I know you’re in
Berlin and you’re like. (speaking foreign language) A lot of German. But I moved to LA with nothing. I was just some fucking dumb kid. I had my guitar. My suitcase. And five thousand bucks in my pocket. Nothing going for me. People think I moved there
and I immediately started working for RSD, that’s why I moved there. Fuck no. I didn’t know Owen. I knew nothing. I knew of him. I knew of RSD. But I didn’t
know I was gonna work for them. I was just winging it. Then I got a shitty job. I worked at a place called
Coffee Bean, making coffee. Making lattes, making you know, those little iced blend
frappuccino things. And I was damn good at it. But that was me. How is it that I went from that? To traveling with Owen, teaching, growing and being here today? Social intelligence. That’s the thing that opens the doors. You still have to have
the skills to back it up. The faculties to back it up. But if you don’t have social intelligence, the doors aren’t even open for you. And now a days, it’s worse and worse. However, don’t freak out. You’re like, oh my God, it’s
so fucked, I’m so fucked. No, the competition is
even lower than before. So if you just learn a little bit, phew. You will surpass everyone. Okay. Now. When it comes to social intelligence, the first thing to always ask yourself is what is the context. If you take a seminar like
this, what’s the context? You know, I made fun of a few before. The context is I’m here speaking. You’re here attending. You’re not alone here attending. And what makes a seminar
great is all of us together raising the vibe. That’s what makes a seminar fucking great. So what that means is, you can ask questions. But there are number one, appropriate times to ask questions. Not in the middle of me talking. And when you ask a question, you should probably ask a question that is on topic with
what we’re talking about. Not out of left field. And ask a question that
everyone else can relate to. If it’s just a question that
applies to you and no one else, that’s not a win win for
everyone else and yourself. It’s not appropriate to the context. If you ask a question
and it’s not loud enough, that’s not appropriate to the context ’cause no one can hear you. If you ask a question that
sucks the air out of the room and you’re just kind of like, uh, you know, here’s a fucking
question, just answer it. And there’s not like that (gasps), raising of the vibe. That is not appropriate to the context. If you ask a question
and talk for too long. Again in your mind you’re like, this is so interesting,
this is me, my life story. But no one else here gives
a shit about your life story unless they know you. It’s not appropriate to the context. Okay. Now, still be congruent to you and we’ll talk about this as well. Don’t be fake. But if you want to
connect with other people, if you want to live in society, you must be congruent and relatable, acting in a
way that is appropriate to whatever context you’re in. The same as if you’re
interacting with someone. Even just one on one. You cannot only focus on
me me me me me me me me me. You have to be able to read people and make sure it’s connecting with them, that is the context. Does this make sense so far? Okay. Now once more linking it to social media, the reason it’s hard to understand this is you’re use to seeing stuff online. YouTube videos or webinars and there’s always the little
comment box or the chat box. And in there, you can
write as much as you want. And it doesn’t interrupt it. So here, I know, some of
you, if not a lot of you, are wondering where’s the chat box. (audience laughing) I’m so use to commenting as I’m watching these videos and shit. Well how do I do it here? And then people blurt it out. Okay. You’re acting in the real world as if you’re in the online world. The rules change online to real world. Okay. So, in terms of learning
how to read people, the first thing you need to do is learn how to see people in a more accurate and realistic way. Okay. And this all starts with
diving into yourself and letting go of different
states you’re hooked on and letting go of different
patterns that run you. So what do I mean by this? (sighs) The internal
always colors the external. Very cliche saying but very true. If you’re someone, for example, who’s hooked on a state of fear and that’s just your default. You’re always kind of afraid, you’re always kind of paranoid. You’re not going to see
the world as it really is. Technically, no one ever will. But you’re going to project a lot of fear. You’re gonna pick up on different things that reinforce that state of fear. That is what your RES,
your selective focus, is going to pick up on. So you might be sitting here. And instead of looking around
and just seeing people, you’re gonna be like, oh man. Are people looking at me? Are people judging me? What’s going on? And because you can’t see
them in a more accurate way, it’s going to be very hard to read them. If you’re someone who always assume that you’re going to get rejected by people. And I’ve had this so
many times over the years teaching men how to interact with women. They have trouble seeing
a girl smiling at them. They’ll block it off. Like every girl here hates me. And I literally have to take pictures of the girl smiling to show them proof. ‘Cause they can’t accurately see it. If you can’t accurately see it, how can you develop social
intelligence, you can’t. Does this make sense so far? (audience murmurs) Okay. The same with different
patterns that run you. Like we project so much. I was talking recently with someone. And he still projects this
whole high school, cool person, bullies, reality onto people. When he walks down the street, when he’s at work, when he’s at the gym, he’s looking through the filter of, this is high school. So it’s always like, okay,
where are the cool people? All right those are the cool people. Those are probably the
guys who are fucking like on the football team, get all the girls. Ah shit, where are the losers? Where’s this and that’s
how he’s viewing reality. Okay. That is stuff that you must
dive into and let go of. So it all starts with that inner work. Until you do that, you’re gonna be acting
in this very skewed way. You need to see a clear map
in order to calibrate to it. Number two. Learn how what you do affects people. And this always gets a little awkward ’cause we’re just use
to acting in the moment. But if you want to learn
social intelligence, you must first go through this phase of making everything conscious. Going through this awkward phase, in order to tweak it, understand it, and then make it unconscious again. So what does that mean? Go out and start interacting
with people in the real world. That’s number one. If you don’t interact with
people in the real world, good luck. Number two. Look at everything that you’re doing and look how that affects the people you’re interacting with. How it’s affecting them. Okay. And a great way of kind of
filtering how it affects people is look for what I call pressure on and pressure off. All right. Anything you’re saying,
anything you’re doing, anything that’s happening, is either putting pressure on someone or taking pressure off of them. And you must maintain a certain balance. Too much pressure is bad. Too little pressure is also bad. And you can usually look
for signs of tenseness. Okay. So say I’m interacting with you. And say we’re just chatting in the street. And uh, I get quite close. Like super fucking close here. (audience laughing) (laughing) All right. Notice tension builds. You’re like. (extreme inhaling) What’s going on? That is putting pressure
on someone getting close. Going far away. A lot less pressure. Okay. So proximity is something that causes pressure on, pressure off. But we’re not aware of it. Okay, we’re just like oh just stand here. Like some people will just stand there and even sense the person’s
kind of uncomfortable kind of tense like. (nervous laughing) And they just won’t back off. Okay, you could be a great
person of great intentions. If you don’t understand that, that person is not gonna connect with you. They’re not gonna want to see you again. Does this make sense? Okay. The way you talk. Being loud or so anyway, how’s it going? Hey! Hey. What do you do! So what do you do? Pressure on, pressure off. Eye contact, pressure on. Looking away, pressure off. Okay. Everything you say, everything you do, is either putting pressure
on or putting pressure off. Too much pressure is tense. Too little pressure is
bored, ugh, whatever. And you’ve got to balance it in order to connect with people. And you can even look at
it on a bigger scale here. Remember the context of a seminar. If someone ask a question. And say it’s loud, there’s a smile and it’s appropriate to the context, you’ll see people kind of like, in between like, okay
let’s see what’s going on. And say, that person just keeps going on and on and on. Everyone just gets bored. Blah, too little pressure. Okay. So you must literally
monitor every little thing, everything you say or do. And just start making notes. Like oh that’s interesting. When is say this, this way, that’s what happens. When I say this to someone
who feels like this in this context in this situation, that’s what happens. When I do this, that’s what happens. Oh, with this person feeling this and me feeling this, this is what happens. And start documenting. Super nerdy. But you must start
documenting while going out in the real world and
just analyzing everything. That’s the first thing I did by the way when I first started going out and learning success with women. Okay, when I started out, I was
way too scared to be myself. I literally memorized some stories online. I’m not even kidding. And I would go into bars and just share stories with people. I’d be like, say, so um, are you best friends, that’s crazy. You make the same facial mannerisms. Hey do you know this
thing called the cube? And I would just tell this
story about a fucking cube and prairies and horses and shit. (audience laughing) And it got me nowhere. I mean people listened, it’s cool stories. But the one thing that I got from that is every time I would say a story, I’m like, how did they react to that. Now what after this
story, I say this story? Ew, that reacted that way. Now what if I switch it up. Go talk to someone else. And instead I do this sequence of stories. So you’re testing different sequences. Testing different ways of
delivering those sequences. And analyzing, analyzing, analyzing. Now you gotta move away from the stories ’cause then we’ll use the stories, the less good of a person you feel. ‘Cause you feel like you’re
nothing with the stories. But it gives you a feel for people. It gets you out of the online, out of the speculation. It gets you a feel for people. And the third step to
this is you must find the balance. Seeing people accurately. Looking at how, what you’re saying or
doing is affecting them. And then finding the balance between congruency and relatability. And that’s, the little magic area here, okay. You should always be congruent. Never compromise who you are in order to please someone else. Okay, and this is important to understand. You’re being aware of different context, different situations in order
to act in an appropriate way. But not in order to
stifle your control you. You feel completely at ease being you. But you just know that if you
don’t act within this context, no one’s gonna connect with you. And that’s a lose lose. So this, anything you do in the circle is congruent to you. It’s not just one thing
that’s congruent to you. There are many things
that are congruent to you at any moment in time. Anything in this circle is what the other person can relate to. So when you meet someone new, just as an example, and say you say something
that’s a little out there, that’s congruent to you. They may not relate. Now what most people do is
they don’t even notice this, they just keep on doing it. Or they do and they keep on doing it. What you have to do is, always act in this circle. But then, you read the other person. Did they tense up? Is it too much pressure? Not enough pressure? Are they relating to this? Or are they closed off to it? Do they think I’m weird? Do they think I’m too boring? Do they think I’m too crazy? And if it’s too far out there, switch it and try something else. Whoop, a little better. But still not in that sweet spot. Until. It’s like playing Battleship. You find the sweet spot
where you’re still being you and people can relate and they view you as being creepy. Okay. The more time you spend with someone, the bigger the sweet spot gets. The cooler you become, the
bigger the sweet spot gets. And sometimes, they just don’t cross. In that case, you’ve met someone, just in this context of interactions, that you’re not meant to be with. The only way to connect with that person is to fake it. In that case you say goodbye. But you must always find this balance of being yourself and being relatable. And that’s what a win win is. What’s my goal? What’s that person’s goal? How can I make it win win? If you’re only being yourself and you’re saying fuck the other person, that is so you think a win
for you and a lose for them. If you’re always compromising who you are to please others and you’re
always acting in that circle but never in yours, you’re a people pleaser. That is, you’d think, a win
for them and a lose for you. This is win win. Okay. And that there, I kid you not, is the foundation of social intelligence. And if you take these three ideas and you apply it to all
areas of life, phew! It’ll be absolutely crazy
how your life will improve. And always put yourself too, in the other person’s shoes. What are they thinking? What are they feeling? How are they going to react to this? How can they interpret this? And that by the way, is, just as an example, how I
started traveling with Owen. Okay. I didn’t ask the thing that
everyone else asked him. ‘Cause we’d see each other out. And we started just
hanging out here and there. What’s the first thing
everyone would ask him? Hey, answer me this question. Da da da da duh. I didn’t do that. Okay. And immediately, it’s like huh. He stands out. And immediately, he’s not taking. ‘Cause here’s the thing too. Say I want to spend time with Owen. And this is again, how I
thought even at the time, say I want to spend time with this guy. Do I want to be leeching off of him? Is he wanna spend time with someone’s who’s leeching off of them? And then you just flip it around on you. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you spend time with someone who’s constantly asking questions, constantly leeching off of you? Yes or no? – [Audience] No. – No, okay. So there’s step one. Hmm, let’s not leech. Would you spend time with someone who’s negative all the time? – [Audience] No. – No, so don’t be negative. Are you gonna spend it with someone who’s just, blah, low energy
and just draining all the time? – [Audience] No. – No, so switch that around, okay. Those are just basic things. Now, would you spend
time with someone who’s coming up and talking to you when you don’t want to be talked to? – [Audience] No. – No. So then there’s an appropriate context in terms of when to go talk to the person. You know, I, for fun,
will sometimes do this in live events where
I’ll stand in the back. I didn’t do it today but
I’ll stand in the back. And I’m always just curious. And I pretend to act really pissed off. I kid you not like I’ll pull my phone out. And I’ll be like this in the corner, like, (sighs) pretending to be pissed off. And I’ll see how many
people come up to me. And as they’re walking up, I pretend to be even more
pissed off. I’m like God dammit. Fuck. (scoffs) Just to see. They’re like, hey Julien. Can I take a picture? (laughing) (audience laughing) Just to see if this will last. Now, nothing wrong with it but that’s not the appropriate context. It’s not the appropriate time. And social intelligence. I mentioned social media
kind of fucking it up but it also applies to social media where if you send someone, as an example, an Instagram private message or DM. Ask yourself, how could
this person perceive this? Is it getting me closer
to my goals or not? Okay. If you want to be friends with me, don’t send me a dick pick. (audience laughing) Which I have gotten. (audience laughing) I’m not even joking, I’m like. (laughing)
(audience laughing) It’s like, who does that? Like you’re take a picture. (whooshing) They’re like, this is a great first text. (audience laughing)
(whooshing) Like, no. Okay. Don’t send me stuff like that. An extreme example but
always ask yourself, hmm. How might they receive this? How will it affect people? Okay, but trust me just
something as simple as that if you start practicing it, will change your life. (rock music) This is Julien. And welcome to Transformation Mastery. – It was fucking amazing. – This was huge for me, this was so so important. – This gave me, by far the criticism, I’ve ever had. – It just made me finally
confront my deepest fears. – And we got like real deep and I found some issues within myself. – One of the best things
I’ve seen so far in my life. – What you’re about to experience
going through this program is what completely changed my life on every single level. Okay albeit health, wealth, relationships, higher purpose. You name it. This is the stuff that finally, finally, produced that true long
lasting personal transformation we’re all after.